Lost & Found, Part 2/3

{Writing 101, Day 13}

A week or so ago, I wrote about the loss of a marriage. There were black dogs and big sticks and everything. Great story.

But this post is not about loss and gloom, no. It’s about what I found when I was finally brave enough to stand alone. It took me a very long time to gather the courage to step out on my own. One of the (many) things which mobilised me in the end was that I was losing myself, becoming someone I didn’t like and didn’t want to be, someone angry and defensive. My own family became so used to me being prickly that my brother once gave me a cactus as a birthday gift. But I remembered, even if they didn’t, that I hadn’t always been like that.

Saving myself was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, and I’ve done a lot of things that scared me. So I gave my husband the freedom he clearly coveted. But I had two young children, and our future was a blank.

Humphrey Bogart

All that.

I wasn’t sure I wanted another relationship. Ever. The idea of being just me and the kids and a whole lot of books held a lot of appeal. But even though I wasn’t looking, I did meet someone. I could wax all soppy about him, but suffice it to say he’s all that.

He really is. And who am I to say no to all of that?

He’s had to have a lot of patience while I unwound, but he’s that kind of person. And he believes in me. He’s the reason I have the confidence to put my thoughts and writing up to public scrutiny, and why my children are psychologically healthy and grounded. For a lot of reasons, he’s my hero.

I once made a mosaic heart, with a pattern built from pieces of china. It’s a fitting metaphor of our life together – we’ve built a family out of the broken bits of our previous lives, but it’s not just a Frankenstein monster of make-do – it’s a piece of art.

 

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13 thoughts on “Lost & Found, Part 2/3

  1. Really interesting journey you have had and makes great reading. I really like your last paragraph, that is so perfect. You come up with some perfect descriptions at times.

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  2. Hurrah for you. Your deliverance of your self and trusting a new relationship after the first was shattered takes a special courage. I’m glad he listens to your voice and supports your truly gifted writing. Being found by a relationship like yours is a something I no longer dare to dream.

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    • You’re right, it did “find us”. If I believed in soulmates finding each other beyond a lifetime, this would be that. I do feel very very blessed. I read what you said the other day about romance – it was very poignant. But you don’t seem like the kind of person to close doors – I shall hope on your behalf!

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      • No, I don’t close doors. I would love to be surprised. My second husband arrived in my life unexpectedly but I couldn’t see through my illusions. I’m a lot wiser now. I would love to risk again, I think.

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  3. Well done for taking that step. I am a firm believer that you find the right person when you aren’t actually looking. I left my fiancé of 6 years back in 2009, spent the last four years of the relationship playing second fiddle to motorbikes, an MG in pieces at the back of our house and every other Tom, Dick & Harry who wanted him to help them. I knew I was holding him back from the life he wanted – even though I was (and still am) a pretty easy going girl, It was while I was figuring out what to do after having given him back the engagement ring while still living together that I became friends with someone local who was also going through a bit of a bad patch with his partner of 14 years. We were always giving each other advice on things to do to get our respective relationships back on track but bit by bit we were falling in love. Eventually both our relationships were irreparable and we ended them and a short time later decided to give it a go together with no idea whether it would work out or not. We’ll have been married three years this September. Leaving my ex was the best thing I have ever done, and I know it was the hardest thing my husband has ever had to do – with leaving his ex and having to become a Dad who doesn’t live with his child any more, but sometimes you have to know what you want and do it. It is so much nicer being with someone who really cares and appreciates you for you and is supportive and encouraging. Makes such a difference!

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    • Life can be incredibly complicated, no matter how we might start out believing otherwise. And completely, the difference being in a healthy relationship – it’s only one person, but their effect on your life is profound, either for good or ill.

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